Thursday, September 24, 2009

No Daddy Yet

Well, it’s official. I am a busy working, DATING, single mama.
For those of you who may not understand the significance of this, it’s not just that it’s scary and expensive and exhausting and lame to be dating as a mother; it’s that it’s my first date since my ex. And my ex and I broke up on September 16.


So it’s, uh, been a little while.
The good news is, I’ve apparently developed an extremely healthy positive attitude about the misery that is online dating. Previously, I would be all stressed out about him and me and rejection and him being a loser and me having a fat ass and expectations and those kinds of things. Now, I figure, I’m paying for a sitter so screw everything else, I’m sure as heck going to enjoy myself, even if it is a total bomb. And oh, boy, was last night’s nuclear.

First of all, I knew in advance he had ‘some’ tattoos. I took ‘some’ to mean, ‘a very discreet and tastefully done miniature caricature of Calvin and Hobbes, or the equivalent’. Not full arm sleeves, back of neck, legs, god knows where. Secondly, he was wearing those baggy skater shorts that ride low and go to the knees. Kind of an odd choice for a 31-year old on a first date to a nice restaurant. Thirdly, he was wearing some sort of bird head on a necklace. Intriguing, yes. Appealing, no. Now, I don’t appreciate being judged solely on appearance, and I work very hard to avoid doing just that to others. So I was willing to look past these minor surface imperfections and discover his beautiful soul or whatever.

We sat down at the Japanese-themed dinner table and I ordered the hibachi dinner. You know, soup, salad with ginger dressing, the rice and noodles and chicken and zucchini/onions, the whole deal. He ordered a sushi roll. ONE ROLL. Four little teensy itsy-bitsy pieces. And he’s a few hundred pounds, so I kinda raised an eyebrow and had to ask. Oh, why, why am I such a curious person?

Apparently my date had once weighed 490 lbs. As a result, he went into liver failure and had to have ½ of it, plus his duodenum, removed. And now he can only eat little bits, very, very, VERY slowly. Like, over two painful hours. I was initially shocked at hearing the word ‘duodenum’ during pleasant dinner conversation, but recovered well and said lots of things about how strong he was and how awesome for losing weight, which sadly led to him explaining in detail his upcoming skin removal surgery. That led to a story about a prior back injury, where he had developed an addiction to pain meds and spiraled downwards until he was buying Oxycodone on the streets and ended up spending time in a methodone clinic.

Dude, seriously, what do you say to that?! I said very brightly, ‘Well, I hear those clinics do wonders!’ in a slightly nervous and falsely chipper kind of voice.

Those were the highlights of the conversation. Other fun facts that came out about my date included narcolepsy and complete and utter self-involvement. Not once did he ask me a question about my job, my life, my beautiful and most-precious-thing-in-the-whole-world-to-me daughter, or fantastic hair. Oh, and his artistic glass-blowing job? He makes BONGS.

But you know what – I got out. I did it. I took a chance, and I put myself out there, and at the very least I showered and had a good meal. I opened myself up to experience greatness but got a heaping portion of good ol’ fashioned crazy. So what? It was hilarious. It was an extremely one-sided conversation, but it was extremely entertaining. How many other first dates include a story about a 500-lb Man-Eating Chicken freak show where the punch line is your date, in his underwear, mowing through some KFC? That’s great story value there, my friends. And that’s something that you can’t buy. It has to be earned.

If you are married, please be nice to your husband today. You don’t have to do this.

Happy Autumn!


Naomi said...

omg! I think you handled that very nicely. I used to be kinda obsessed w/ personal ads pre-internet dating. Hello? Free dinners and drinks? I'm there! I'm glad you got out there...and hey, a wacko (non-serial killer wacko is a plus) story is better than an eh, he was okay, no spark story. Looking forward to more adventure in dating stories :)

marit said...

My coworkers don't understand why I'm falling off my chair laughing.
That is an AWESOME date. Good work. But you've made it through the first one in awhile and you now have reasonable expectations for the future!

Shannon @ S and G Photography said...

Amen sister! I am so happy not to be in the dating world!!!!!!!!

You had the perfect attitude and your next date WILL be much more successful! Really, how could it be worse?

Dawn said...

Lady, you totally rock. I can't believe you kept a straight face! He was probably a client at the methadone clinic at my job! What an awesome story, and very well written :-) Hang in there. Someone would be SO lucky to share their life with you.

Kerrie said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. I love your style of writing. I know your date was lousy, but hysterical recap of it. Brilliant.

Thank you for sharing.


Kristy said...

That is hilarious and you are such a good sport! You really do get some interesting characters through online dating, but that's where I met my wonderful husband!

Sarah Fain said...

I SOOOO feel you! I've been on three internet dates recently, and they can just be... well, sad. Among other things. I mean, is it REALLY so hard to LOOK ME IN THE EYE??? Apparently it is. Personally, I'm undecided as to whether it's all worth the trouble. Your date sounds significantly more anecdote-worthy than any of mine have been, and let's face it, a good anecdote is worth a lot!

Rector Funhouse said...

I refuse to believe it's been that long. I'm even more shocked at how great your attitude is. I'd be 10x more bitter about wasting a precious night out on one-roll guy. Nice one.