Monday, November 24, 2008

Friday, November 21, 2008

You Know It's Good if it Separates into Strata

Long story short, I got loaded in the Delta terminal at the BOS airport. I have no excuse, other than, "Suck it, I could!" Here is the post I wrote while loaded. It was barely legible and had some sort of gravy splattered on it. If you make it through the drunken rambling you will be rewarded with a hilarious picture of me.

I love American Airlines. LOVE 'em. Their RDU-> BOS leg offers single seats, so no one has to touch my pudge or try to steal my leg room or gently caress my thigh (happened!). But this trip and next, I have to resort to AA there, Delta home. Delta, of course, was delayed, because that's what they do.
HOWEVER, apparently what they lack in punctuality they make up for in terminal bars. I had a positively lovely $7 burger, and two $10 girly drinks. At this exact moment, I LOVE DELTA! As (*note - I should have written 'Ask') me again after a 2-hour flight beside a farty snorey businessman.
I get to see my baby in like four hours or so. Oh crap, I need to get to my gate. Anywho, the week was ok but busy, and the next trip will be even more hectic, because that will be MY presentation for my product, and my annual performance review, and a product training. BLECH! But I have 'Lucky's Bar' to look forward to again. Same time, same place, Lady. It's a date. (*note - yes, I really wrote that)
I had the Clockwork Orange, with vanilla vodka, orange liquer, and white chocolate liquer, and the Rootbeer Float, with root beer liquer, whipped cri (*note- this should have said 'cream' but I was fading fast at this point), and amaretto. Consider my ass KICKED. Plane nap!
(*note - At this time, I decided to go and look at how red my face was, because I could feel it, so I went to the bathroom. It was so red, I decided it would be a good idea to take a picture. This is the picture I took. I think I look like a crazed reject from 'Tron'. No, in answer to your question, I will never learn)
p.s. Because we were even further delayed they offered free cocktails on the flight. I made the tragic mistake of chucking a few Bloody Marys onto all that sweet. I am not so much 'tired' today as 'hungover' and 'just plain stupid'. Have a good weekend everyone, and be smart.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Types of People I Hate in Corporate Training Classes

1. Shorts Guy
The nerd who thinks he's cool because he's in shorts. In November. In Boston. This is the equivalent of wearing your coat unzipped during a blizzard in middle school. You know as soon as you see him that, when the trainer asks at 5:15 whether anyone has any more questions, you're going to hear from him. Everyone will want to beat him up in the school yard after class gets out at 7.

2. Smarty McPantsalot
Is his own favorite audience. Asks stupid questions because he has no friends and this is the only time someone actually listens to him. Does things like fight about commonly-used phrases or expressions. Known to look things up online to contradict the instructor and prove himself right about things totally unrelated to the training. Sits back in his chair with his arms behind his head and his feet up, in order to seem devil-may-care. Often confused with Mr. Much More Important Than You.

3. Defensive Lady
Easily identified by her outdated hairdo and wardrobe, and her large, cheap, tacky earrings. Tries to make eye contact with everyone when she talks but just ends up looking shifty. Mumbles under her breath when her opinions are shot down. Spins nervously in her chair when speaking. Interrupts people (instructor included) constantly. Rushes out of the room when class is over to avoid direct human contact. Commonly a representative from Support.

4. Mr. Much More Important Than You
Leaves his cell phone on (and has either some sort of hideously annoying customized ringtone, or an equally irritating generic ear-bleeding Nokia ring) and takes calls during class. Leaves for extended periods and times his returns so that they cause maximum interruption, yet always stays in the room 'working' during lunch and break times to the annoyance of the instructor. Spends the entire training session on email and IM. Sits in the back room and has constant sidebar conversations with everyone around him. Always the first to leave for the airport. Talks everyone into going someplace crappy for dinner and then doesn't show up.

5. The Slob
Shows up late no matter the start time. Instead of a notebook, paper and pen he has a loud, messy snack. Sometimes confused with Shorts Guy due to his slovenly attire, however, Shorts Guy wears a clean dress shirt and The Slob sports a stained faded golf shirt that occasionally rides up to show his pale extended beer gut. Brags about going to Dunkin Donuts during the lab exercise. Usually spills something, and always leaves a trail of Diet Dr. Pepper bottles and Tootsie Roll wrappers in his wake. Is a close talker and likes to tell vaguely offensive jokes. Always sits beside me.

6. Helpful Helen
Reminds the instructor of things like telling attendees to SHUT OFF THEIR DAMN PHONES ALREADY! During the stupid 'dare to share' intro always has a little joke prepared to put the group at ease and make the class seem like a fun place to be. Fixes wireless access for at least 2 classmates, or helps The Slob keep track of what page they're on or what planet. Organizes group dinner activities. Nods and smiles a lot at the instructor to make it seem as though she is paying attention, when in reality she is drafting her next blog post or looking at pictures of her baby and counting the hours til when she can hold her again.

Report from Boston

Well, here I am, BiB (Back in Boston, not Back in Black as I am not a rocker). It’s a chilly 30-odd degrees this week, and I had forgotten what a joy it is to travel with cold-weather gear. My suitcase, like my butt, gained an extra 7 lbs. Expense account dining is not my friend. But I had the most DELICIOUS chocolate hazelnut martini at dinner last night. C’est magnifique! I also got to experience the joy of checking luggage in the newly overhauled RDU Terminal 2, which was a beautiful but time-consuming experience. I need to leave for my Canada Christmas flight check-in NOW. And just think, I’ll have a baby with me in addition to the 872 pieces of luggage.

The tragically stupid rental car I have this week. THREE rows of seating. As if!

Speaking of Jelly – boy, do I ever miss that kid. Topping of list of ‘Things Mothers Hate to Hear’ is, “Jenny cried from the time you left to the time she finally sobbed herself to sleep”. Poor motherless child. Thank god kids supposedly don’t retain any memories from before the age of 3.

The Service Eval I’m attending was boring as hell, which is to be expected, although I did get to see my ol’ training pal Joan. Hi, Joanie! The bad news is, there is just so much I have to get done in the next few weeks that I’m working nights all this week and having to use my lunch breaks for meetings in order to keep treading water. I had all kinds of wild ‘n crazy plans to party and get drunk and see R-rated movies this week, but like the best-laid plans I have managed to eat a lot of takeout in bed in my jammies.

Jellybean still has her cold (going on one month, now), and has had some stomach issues. Thankfully her 6-month checkup is Monday, so they can tell me that she’s fine and there’s nothing else I could be doing besides my compulsive worrying. SIX MONTHS OLD THIS WEEK. MY BABY!! We had a sad day last Saturday when we attempted to go see Santa at the mall. I got her all dressed up in her holiday finest and strapped into her (almost outgrown) car seat, when she hurled everywhere. As in, I had to clean out the BUCKLES. Gross, and, poor baby. It was doubly disappointing when I learned today that the appointment to have professional photos taken on Sunday needed to be cancelled, since the woman didn’t actually have a studio. Or backdrops. I was like, ‘Uh, I can take pictures of my baby in my own house myself, thanks anyhow’. I guess I’ll wait til she’s one, since I’ll never find anyone on such short notice at this point. Frowny face.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Kath and Kim and Khristmas

I have been trying to remember to write a post about my Kath & Kim feelings for quite some time now. Despite the fact that everyone tells me I should be watching The Big Bang Theory or whatever the heck it’s called, I haven’t been too interested in any new programming this season. Yes, The Office and 30 Rock are totally awesome, but I lost interest in Fringe because I don’t like whats-his-name, and something else conflicted with my beloved House… anyhow. So Kath & Kim is using a Scissor Sisters song as their intro right now (I guess until it catches on or doesn’t, and it gets its own theme or everyone goes on unemployment), which is the first sign that it is totally for gay men. Then it has that dude from all those movies like Mighty Wind, who is totally gay, and the audience knows it, and there are lots of jokes in the show about how we all know it. And there’s the stupid straight guy, Kim’s ‘husband’, who I feel both pity and admiration for in his use of the word ‘dude’. And there’s the fashion, and the constant celebrity gossiping. I haven’t talked to my gays lately, but they ought to love it. I hated it, then liked it, then hated it some more, then decided that while I could barely tolerate Selma Blair’s moronic, self-involved hateful character, Molly Shannon was still Molly and I adored her so much that it was worth the lame jokes. So now you know – I am the one person that is watching that show.

Now that that’s out of the way, is it Christmas yet? I may have decorated Jellybean’s room already. In my defense, I had all kinds of leftover ornaments from her last photo shoot, and I couldn’t just put them away in sad little lonely boxes. So I hung them all around her room, on the mirror frame and the curtain rod and on her clothes hooks. Then I found a fantastic fiber optic mini-tree in hot pink. Yes, you heard me – FIBER OPTIC. You know how weak in the knees I get when I see little changing lights. So that got thrown in there. Jenny doesn’t know what to do with it all but thinks it’s pretty darn fun.

Sunday I have to go to Boston, which totally blows – I don’t get a full weekend with The Jelly. And then I get back late Thursday night, after she’s in bed already. But how happy will she be to see me get her up on Friday morning?! Then it’s busy, busy, busy. Another massage, and her first professional photo shoot, and then it’s Thanksgiving and we’re off to Charlotte, and will bring back my parents and brother. Then it’s the local Christmas parade, and another Boston trip, and a Festivus party, and Canada for Christmas! Time is flying. Her 6-month appointment is on the 24th. Hard to believe.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

One Small Step

Congrats, President Obama! I know that the NC results show as 50%/50%, but the actual numbers tell the real story - 2,101, 991 to 2,089,828 at last count. And I'm proud and excited to be that little '1' in such a close race. I can't make it through your acceptance speech because I cry at the awesomeness of it all, and I hope you prove all the naysayers wrong. You're going to make some mistakes, and people will be critical of you, and you will have to make some tough decisions - but I think you're the right one for the job.


We've still got a long way to go. Let's not get too excited until we see that change is effected, and that it's the change we need. Let's not forget that there are still a lot of issues out there that, while they may not be as big as the race issue, are still important. There are still people fighting to take or keep away rights that others have, be they women or immigrants or handicapped or just plain poor.

Prop 8 passed, folks. That's uncool.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

All I Want for Christmas is a Non-Hysterical Child

Jenny rocks the vote - in line for early voting on Saturday

Imagine my supreme embarrassment when, while watching my favorite Halloween movie, ‘Practical Magic’ (ok, so maybe it’s one of my favorite movies all the time – I already told you not to judge me), I had a shocking and terrible revelation.

I named Jenny after Nicole Kidman’s character.

No, really, it’s awful – here I was, watching the movie with one eye and watching my sleeping baby and this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly with the other, when all of a sudden Sandra Bullock’s character says, ‘Jillybean’. Now, I looked it up, and the character’s name is technically spelled with a ‘g’, ‘Gillian’. So that’s a little better. But still – the reason I love that name and nickname. Right there, in all its horrifying cheesy glory. I couldn’t believe it. I guess it’s better than naming her Nomi (I felt nasty just having to look up the spelling of THAT one – need to Lysol my monitor later). And I do enjoy NK’s character – she’s full of passion and loves love and has really super hair, blah blah blah. So it could be worse. But, uh, yeah. That’s apparently where I got Jelly’s middle name and nickname from. I WARNED YOU I WAS LAME!!! (or I perhaps should have, if I didn’t).

On Sunday, imagine my surprise and delight when, shopping in my new Favorite Wal-Mart Ever (FWE), I heard a familiar and catchy tune on the Muzak speakers.

It was ‘Silent Night’.

omgomgomgomgomgomg omgomgomgomgomgomg
omgomgomgomgomgomg omgomgomgomgomgomg

That means it’s almost CHRISTMAS!! Ok, it means the stores are way out of control because Christmas is like a million trabillion eons away still. But there’s Egg Nog in the coolers and trees in the aisles and it’s beginning to look a lot like my favorite holiday season! And Jenny’s FIRST CHRISTMAS. I am going to explode. There aren’t enough cameras in the world to capture the pictures I want to take. Must remember to slow down and actually enjoy the moments instead of just maniacally snapping away.

To further fuel my fire, my favorite consignment store threw a yule log my way with a Holiday Party last night, to thank their customers and introduce some of the mommies who do custom stuff (like monogramming and hair do-dads etc.). Jenny taught me a very, very important lesson that I will never, ever forget – do NOT, under any circumstances, no matter the situation, I repeat, DO NOT wake her up from a nap.

I think part of the problem is that she is still getting use to her new car seat, and can’t sleep in it yet. So I woke her up to go to the event and she was pissed, and couldn’t get back to sleep. Then we got to the event, and she was even more pissed. I spent 20 minutes walking around carrying an 80-lb diaper bag and an even heavier fussy angry baby throwing punches, and turned around and went home again. So much for a fun night with hors d’oeuvres and door prizes and nice mommies. Did I mention Jenny was pissed? Being put back into the car seat was the equivalent of throwing lit matches at her. She screamed, and coughed, and choked, and screamed some more, and worked herself into such a fit during the 12-minute ride home that she could not be calmed down. I tried music, and walking, and rocking, and soothing ‘shush shush’ noises, and a bottle, and saying ‘I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again’ over and over. Nothing worked. She screamed so much she threw up. All over us both. I bet you can guess whether that made her happy, or more upset. Eventually I remembered my sister’s piece of advice about a bath for a hysterical child, and tried that. She calmed down, but man, did she glower at me the whole time. I tried all my usual tricks to get her to laugh, or even smile, but she was a cold, angry customer. I got her into jammies and got her to sleep for a bit, and she eventually took another bottle and gave me a few gratuitous grins to let me know she’d consider forgiving me. That temper, boy, am I ever in trouble. I guess it's my fault for naming her after a redhead.