Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Shut It, I'm Comfortable

Many, many years ago, when I was young(er) and foolish(er), I use to observe Women of a Certain Age and their apparent total oblivion to the current styles in denim wear. ‘How sad’, I’d think to my teenaged self, dressed in safety-pinned acid wash, ‘They don’t even realize how terrible that looks’. Ahh, young self, if I told you the secret behind the uniform of the middle-aged mom you’d be even sadder. Because I’ve learned that those women just really, really don’t care. They know. Believe me, they know. Those pants are pulled over sore feet and bruised calves and fat knees, up past lumpy thighs and ever-widening hips and over a saggy c-section gut, and there is no way anyone can pretend they’re fashionable or sexy or a trendy color.

The Mom Jean, found in many cultures, is a rite of passage for those who are past the New Mom Pants phase. The New Mom can still get away with wearing maternity jeans for quite some time, and can blame her inexplicably ever-shifting weight patterns on the baby. That lasts for approximately one year, max. Anyone trying to do this longer is in the denial phase. The denial phase can last anywhere from 1-25 years. This is the time when a mother tries panels, pleats, lycra-blends, and long sweaters, to no avail. Many, many women over 40 can be immediately recognized as being in jeans denial by sporting skinny jeans, ripped jeans, or having a massive ‘chef’s hat’ or ‘muffin top’ lapping over a low-rise waist band.

At some point, every woman who weighs more than 80 lbs must accept the Mom Jean. You will know a pair of pants are Mom Jeans if the following are true;

  1. The legs are too wide to be fashionably skinny, but too narrow to be fashionably boot-legged
  2. Your friends look at them, then look away in embarrassment, and can’t even mock you
  3. They are either a little bit longer or shorter than a normal pair of jeans
  4. The dye color is even and consistent, and is either too light or too dark to be trendy
  5. Your butt looks like a cement mixer was overloaded with oatmeal
  6. The waist falls somewhere above the belly button and just below the bra line
  7. You can fit a sippy cup in the front pocket
  8. The zipper is a solid 8 inches
  9. None of your trendy tees look right with them, and you are forced to wear either a ¾ sleeve cotton blouse in a pastel color, a sweatshirt with a rustic snowman, or something that has been bedazzled. Or has a picture of a kitty on it.
  10. People start calling you ma'am a lot more

I just bought my second pair. I both hate myself, and rejoice in the unrestricted comfort and lack of back fat that shows when I lean over.

Next stop – elastic-waist rayon. Grandma Pants.


MommieV said...

Yes! Yes! A sippy cup in the pocket, isn't that the function?

My mom jeans are actually elastic waist jeans. I just skipped all the rest and went for the big time (literally).

Ever since the Frighteningly Fast Post-Weaning Weight Gain of 2010, I am actually wearing elastic-waist knit pants alot to work. With long sweaters. Or long knit tops. Or something that I can throw a lab coat over.

Post-Baby I had one pair of pants that fit - Talbot's Womens white pants. They were wide legged and trendy and too big pre-pregnancy. I wore them so much the summer-after-the-baby-came to family events and such that I washed holes in them.

Maybe I should go back to Talbot's Women's store.

Esperanza said...

Where does one find these Mom Jeans? I've heard so much about them but have yet to find them in stores (I'm still in maternity pants five months after the birth of my daughter). I'm sure I'm going to be needing them sooner rather than later!

Stellar post by the way.

Genkicat said...

OMG I can't stop laughing! Love this post. And just the other day I absentmindedly tried to put a sippy cup in my pants pocket and was mad that it wouldn't fit (I was not wearing Mom jeans that day)!

Mom jeans are the best. The best. And I don't care either. Oh - and their other tremendous function is that you can sit on the floor comfortably while wearing them. Woo hoo.

Shayna said...

Ladies, I highly recommend you check-out the Unbelievabra by Shapeez. It has done wonders for my figure and I can now wear most of my pre-pregnancy clothing.

Shannon said...

Oh my heavens, Jellybean Mama! a) You crack me up and b) I love you, but am so not there yet.

You know, one way to deal with this is to only wear skirts. That's my way of dealing with the impending 4-0.

I hope you and the bean had a great Thanksgiving.