Save the Date

I hope someone is keeping notes about how many times I've posted this week, so that in the future when I go for like, 3 months without posting, I can refer back to it and be like, 'LOOK! I totally delivered soooooooooooooo much entertainment value that one week back in August '10!'. And hopefully no one is thinking, 'Hmm, she must be REALLY stressed at work right now if she's posting so much'. Just move along, people. Gift horses and all that. I'll be fine, really. Just because they keep adding more Beta customers to my list every day, no worries, somehow the magical work fairies will wave wands and sprinkle fairy dust and everything will be just fine.

Besides, I knew you'd all want to know that there was...

another internet date!

Yes, I know I probably said last time that I'd had enough of surprises like, 'I make bongs for a living' and 'I've been in a meth clinic'. But you know me, I get very forgetful about things like that, just like I can't seem to remember that the kid likes her routines and when I mess them up she tortures me. Plus, how am I suppose to get myself hitched to a sugar daddy who will support the Jellybean family in a life of luxury if all I do is sit and criticize all the dating site profiles, and forward them to Ta so we can laugh at them?

So yes, oops, I did it again. And the following is a list of things that should probably not be said on a first date:

1. This would be going a lot better if I wasn’t sober.

2. My hair isn’t normally this big.

3. I would’ve been on time if I hadn’t gotten lost in my own neighborhood.

4. Wearing this outfit was funnier in my head.

5. I should probably take a Lactaid tablet if I’m going to get a Venti Caramel Macchiato.

6. Can we wrap this up soon? I promised myself a Big Mac if I made it through this date.

7. Thankfully your hair does not look at all like the white fro as depicted in your online profile.

8. So if you’re Christian, and a Scientist, does that make you a Christian Scientist?

9. You’re tall and nerdy, you’re totally my type. The pretty ones usually turn out to be gay.

10. Does this shade of lipstick make me look like Barbie, or a hooker?

I somehow managed to avoid saying #1, #5-6, and #10, but I did say all those other things. I don’t know what is wrong with me, I get all spazzy on dates. Ugh. And I really did get lost. I pulled out of my driveway and thought I was going to meet Ta or something, I dunno, I was all nervous and trying not to freak the heck out or sweat through my clothes or foundation. I already had a sweat ‘stache, which is NOT COOL. I also had forgotten to put gas in the car. And my skirt was wrinkled, as I’d just pulled it out of the Old Navy Online packaging, and it was quite possibly on backwards or sideways (the multiple tags and zipper placement were no help). Yes, I wore a skirt. I KNOW. When we were messaging each other I made some stupid comment about how I was way more calm/confident on job interviews than dates, so I should just pretend I was going for a job interview. Halfway through wrangling my runaway thighs into Spanx stockings, I realized it was a terrible idea, but I was already running late, and hadn't shaved my legs, and the only non-mom jeans I own give me terrible muffin top, so I didn't have a lot of options. Also, it had been raining off and on all day, and the weather was threatening-looking. I had enough hairspray in play for things to go very, very badly if any moisture hit my head, and the only umbrella in the car was covered in little yellow duckies. And I really am in desperate need of a new bra right now, so I kept hunching my shoulders to hide the fact that my breasts were resting on my knees. Stupid Starbucks stools.

There were some definite red flags (he hemmed and hawed about how long he’d been divorced, which usually either means it’s been recent enough to still be painful and he’s hoping they’ll get back together, and this date is a way to try to make her see how attractive and wanted he is by other women, or he’s actually still married and just a jerk). His financial situation seems sketch (between grants, has a roommate, didn’t want to tell me what area he lives in, did not offer to get lunch). But he’s the first one to actually ask some questions about Jelly and seem interested (and didn’t blink an eye when I told ‘the story’), which got him points, and he called me 2 minutes before we were suppose to meet to let me know he’d be like 5 seconds late. You know how I am about punctuality (yes, I know I was late, quit pointing out the flaws in my logic, that’s not why we’re here). He’s also tall and very nerdy (dark hair, goatee, glasses, wearing khaki/golf shirt uniform), so that’s totally hot. And by the time I got home there was already a very polite ‘nice to meet you when can we do it again’ message, so dude has some good follow-up. I’ll definitely go out with him again, but only after more details on the ex-wife.

He also made a bong joke. So he was paying attention.

I know how you all love when the dates go badly, so I’ll try harder to mess up the next one more. With my total inability to control anything that comes out of my mouth, my utter lack of fashion common sense, and my desperation to try to avoid seeming like I’m, well, desperate, that should not be a problem. I’ll keep y’all posted.

All that makeup, and I still just look tired. And a little crazy.