In Like a Lion?

So the day came, as I knew it would. Yesterday morning, on our 10am status call, my boss gave a little laugh and said, 'We need to talk', and I knew the day was here. It went pretty much like I expected, although it was a little more open-ended than I had hoped; although I was definitely pointed in the direction of the door, I wasn't pushed through it. They are willing to work with me to find something that is a better fit within the company, if that is what I want. It was nice that it wasn't a disciplinary action, because that means there's no mark on my permanent record, and my boss made sure to explain that I shouldn't take the whole thing personally; that, in fact, she rather liked me an awful lot, and there were lots of things that I did well. I finally told her about the Topamax issues, which I probably should have told her about months ago, and embarrassed us both by bursting into tears, and then I had to pull myself together because I still had to finish a day of work like nothing had happened.

I spent most of the rest of the day crying while on Mute on conference calls; despite the fact that it wasn't a big surprise, it was still a shock. And it was still scary, because there were a lot of questions left unanswered. What happens if I can't find something else? There's only one open job posted on our internal site that's a 'maybe' for me, and I wasn't given a timeframe or deadline in which to find something else. I know it behooves my manager as much as me to have a little wiggle room; to get another person in, and up to speed. But they've got to be able to post for my job and start interviewing - there's a clock running, somewhere.

The lousy thing about the timing is that it's going to mess up the Canada plan. The go-to-Canada-this-summer plan, probably, but the move-t0-Canada plan, definitely. Even if I do get the other job within my company it's not something I'll be able to do permanently; it's project management, which will be a pay cut AND make me go out of my mind. So I still need to be hustling to find something else. I put the word out to my awesome mommies group, who were incredibly supportive and helpful as always, and submitted a few things yesterday afternoon/evening. I got a call from a recruiter today that sounded like a solid lead, so that cheered me up a little. And I know that I'm lucky because even if my parents aren't local, they'd still help in any way possible. The Ta is looking for stuff for me, and Cousin J sent me some links, and even the terrific MsD offered to give my resume to her techie hubby.

I've been through this before, and I know it's hard. I know it's scary. I know that things work out, because, well, they have to. But from the first moment I considered becoming a mom on my own, this was one of my greatest fears. This thing right here. The What If things don't work out. What if I don't get something right away; what if I have to sell the house for $140K instead of the $170K I owe on it because I can't pay my mortgage any more? What if I lose my health benefits, and something happens to Jenny? The college fund will dry up; the 401K will disappear. Say good-bye to that deposit I put down already for the Thanksgiving beach trip.

The last time things were bad I had to get two jobs to make ends meet. I would drive to a support job in the morning, 8:30a-5p, at NC State University, then hop in the car and race to my next job across town at a market research company where I would walk the floor as a call center supervisor from 5:30p-11:30p. It was awful. I did it because I had to. I couldn't do that with Jelly.

I know that this needed to happen, and there's a teensy part of me that is almost relieved that it did, because once this round of stress is over hopefully I can find something that is a little easier and things will get better and healthier and all those good things. And my mum pointed out that Jelly is too young to know anything is going on, and will bounce back from whatever change happens, which are good points.

And it's two weeks before my birthday. Can you imagine if she'd done it ON my birthday, without knowing?! That would have been awesome. You know, in a horrible way. Maybe I'll get a new job for my birthday. Oh, 40, you are going to be an interesting one!