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Let me start off by saying that Facebook is a great invention. Brilliant, even. I love that I can check in on all my ex-boyfriends and delight in their miseries, snicker at the mean girls from high school getting divorced, and tsk at the questionable behaviors of some of my distant family members. Yes, I use Facebook mainly for evil. I have been very honest with you all that I love hearing tales of unhappiness, because nothing makes me happier faster than realizing someone else has it worse off than me. Especially now, when I have a filthy Hoarders-style house and zero motivation and bought even MORE, dinosaur-shaped, nuggets to feed the Bean instead of a wonderful balanced and nutritious made-from-scratch brilliant hot meal. When I’m working the week of Christmas. Isn’t there a law against this?! Living so far from my family has always meant I’ve taken at least this week off to go up North. Except for this year, when it would have cost me $1400, which is prohibitive and mean.

So yes, I am the voyeur on Facebook, peeking into everyone’s little day-to-day musings and pictures and declarations. There's nothing better than Failbook, a blog dedicated to sharing all the idiotic things people do and say. And there are plenty. But sometimes it's not the crazy things that make me, well, crazy. It's the everyday things. So here for your child/work/in-law-avoidance pleasure is a list of...

My Facebook Pet Peeves

1. People who constantly bitch about it. Yes, it is far from perfect. There are security holes you could fly a sleigh through. Stuff keeps changing. Other stuff is slow to load. But you know what? IT IS FREE. And if that changed tomorrow? You would have a choice – pay a subscription fee, or don’t use it. We wouldn’t all die if it went away. Once upon a time, there was no Facebook. It’s nice to have, but it’s not oxygen or Pepsi.

2. I think in status updates now. Like, when I’m driving Jelly to the caregiver’s in the morning, or watching something that I think is funny, or enjoying a good meal. Jellybean Mama quite often catches herself thinking in the third person, trying to sum up her current experience in a brief and witty format. Twitter is just a shorter (and, for most, more frequent) version of the status update. Same thing. What started with blogs now has more far-reaching powers; what I think and what I do is potentially observable by an audience, and I want that audience to be amused and entertained. Is this changing behaviors? I’d be willing to bet yes. I'm trying my best to do something really wacky right now, just for you.

3. This one time, a friend of mine didn’t repost that she supported dinosaurs, and all the dinosaurs died. True story. If only she’d changed her status update, there would be no more cancer or lost puppies or child abuse or socks lost in a dryer. I’m as guilty as the next person as riding a current wave of ‘change your _____ to _____ for ____’, but it’s mostly because I hate to be left out of anything. We can’t save the polar ice caps by getting a whole bunch of people to type it in that little box. Let’s come up with a more results-oriented solution instead of an electronic chain letter, shall we?

4. Because we don’t pay a fee and Mark has to be a bazillionaire SOMEHOW, there is some questionable targeted advertising. Which I can largely ignore, even though It thinks I live in Boston and keeps trying to tempt me with nice restaurants and nicer single people in that area. The other big revenue source is the games. Games aplenty on The Book. I am currently in the final phases of my detox program, having been hooked early on Farmville and Pet World and Café World. I weaned myself off them by focusing on Frontierville, the methadone of FB games, and by the new year should have kicked that. They’re fun time-suckers, but I don’t like the way they reward you for spamming your friends. Giving you heroin to hand out to other people is just not nice. I also hate that people are pumping so many hard-earned dollars (or more accurately, parents’ dollars) into the net.

5. I’d like to let you know I’m excited for you. I want to show you I support you and wish you the best. I love that your child/pet/parent/vehicle/garden is doing well, and I would comment to that effect. But. I don’t want to hear from your Aunt Ingrid, and I can do without your husband’s coworker’s terrible grammar, and that side conversation that’s happening is just kinda inappropriate for me to be included on. Is there an option somewhere that you don’t get notified every time someone else Comments after you, without disabling all email? I’m just going to Like what you said, to save myself some trouble. It doesn’t mean I’m lazy or didn’t even really read the whole thing. I just don’t care that 14 other people also wish you virtual hugs. With lots of smileys and exclamations points.

6. Look folks. It’s a public forum. Online. Everything, EVERYTHING you type is permanent and forever and seen by the entire world. So don’t be a jerk. Don’t be dirty. Don’t spill secrets or update while driving or in class or in bed with your sister’s husband. Be smart about your kids. You know, the ones who can’t read yet? One day they will be able to, and that posted custody battle you’re having is going to be a really nice treat for them to find. Do try to be polite. Research your facts first. Quit telling us when it’s damn Friday, or Monday, or Hump Day. And drop the @#$% passive-aggressive behavior. If something is wrong, deal with it or work it out, don’t make us guess or play the martyr. Don’t friend coworkers or strangers, and if you do, learn enough about your setup options to put them in a special little group so they can’t really see what you’re doing, or when. Which leads me to the final and most important one.

7. Facebook is not your friend. Facebook does not care about you. Many of the people you Invite or Accept probably feel the same. It’s great to catch up and stay connected with long-lost folks and far-away family, but don’t get lost in it. Try not to destroy lives or jobs, and try to keep a little focus.

End rant.

Also, we had a freaking awesome weekend. Swimming, a playdate at Aunt Jonesy’s with new friends, a Karate Birthday Party, and lunch with The Ta. AND IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!!