The Kids Are All Right

I still can't believe a dude commented on my blog. Do you think he reads it all the time, or just surfs around doing searches for people who beat on their kids? I should probably talk about my period less, just in case. At least I don't talk about my dirty dreams all the time like MommieV (this is hysterically funny to me not only because I would likewise be mortified, but also because I have been having the exact same dreams/egg white/come-hither feelings, but since it's been SEVEN YEARS since I've had action I can repress it all a little easier. Also, I can't deal with the fact that my mum would probably read it, I don't care that I am 40 years old).

So let's move on, shall we? I am so damn tired I could throw up. It must be a combination of the Am-I-going-crazy? and the nightmarish sleep disruption that Mr. T delivers. Also, I get a weird, dull headache every afternoon around 2-3pm. I am trying to be better about drinking water to see if that helps. I mixed up an important date that screwed up plans for not just me, but The Ta and my sitter. I'm seeing some weird little flashes of light occasionally, like my eyes playing tricks on me. This is on the lowest introductory dose? Man, this stuff is going to kick my butt. My new favorite website, www.AskaPatient.com, had all kinds of horrible things to share with me. But that, oddly enough, made me feel better. And you know, this stuff so far is fine, if it’s going to keep the migraines away and keep me from waking up with headaches. You know what it’s like? It’s exactly like being in my first trimester all over again; thoughts keep slipping away from me, the only thing I could stomach for dinner last night was oatmeal, and I’m exhausted and just want to nap ALL THE TIME. Except thankfully, no newborn after this experience.

A few more friends had babies recently, and I feel like a bad person because I haven’t met the new arrivals yet. Hopefully they know me well enough to assume it’s because of my standard single-working-mama schedule, and not assume that I’m a jerk who hates their baby. Quite the opposite. If I were to hold a baby right now with the drug playing havoc on my system, I’m afraid I’d cry and never stop. You people out there with 2+ can laugh all you want, I know how it is, I laugh at new parents also. But as much as you tell yourself you’ve let go of a dream, it still surprises you when you find bits of it tucked into nooks and crannies that float up unexpectedly. I know there are plenty of single mamas out there with plus one, and I admire them immensely. I could never do it, not physically or financially, at least not on purpose. But that doesn’t mean I can’t wish that things weren’t different, that I had a husband and could have a whole mess o’ kids and a house in shambles and no money for beach trips or Skechers or spa days. Seeing new babies makes me go insane with jealousy and regret (but, happily, not vengeance). Don’t worry, those of you still trying, I’m not attempting to take away your right to fist-gnawing hysteria upon encountering soft white sweet skin and sleepy tiny toes – you definitely have first dibs. No way in hell will I ever forget what it’s like to want something like that so bad, much like I will never forget the reality of back labor. I’m just saying, as much as I would hate, HATE to face the journey of parenting a soon-to-be-3 (ohh, it’s going to be fun, I can tell already) with an even smaller needy person in-arms, I still also hate the idea that there really is never to be an Alistair. But look, I can't even take care of myself right now, let alone Jellybean. Can you imagine?!

Additional Note: Yep, Pepsi tastes funny also. Like, the shelf date has expired. And that it’s New Coke or something equally awful. Clear Coke, maybe. My good friend S. told me that yes, starting to experience side effects on day 2 was par for the course for her as well, so to keep track of the score and see where I end up. It’s so nice to have friends who have been-there-done-that. Also, they have a trampoline.