Lucky

There are times when it’s easy to lose sight of what you’ve got. We always want more free time, more sleep, a bigger paycheck, a bigger house, a nicer car, a doting partner, a thinner waist. We know that we should be glad to have our health, our friends, our families, but it’s easy to take them for granted.

My dental hygienist, D., who is about the sweetest person I know and has a perfect smile (duh), has been trying to get pregnant for several years now with her equally precious husband. She and my dentist, a single mom, were shocked and amazed when they heard the details of Jenny’s conception, and jumped on the supportive bandwagon immediately. The past few months D. has been going through IVF and fertility treatments, and it’s been agonizing to watch. She’s younger than me (early 30’s) and in otherwise perfect health. At my August visit she was excited because they had 5 viable eggs that looked good, and I was hopeful right along with her. Yesterday she popped in to the exam room to tell me the attempt had failed, and that they’d try again in October. I told her the story of Jellybean barfing on me, and as soon as it was out of my mouth realized how stupid I was.

I’ve become one of those people.

Worse than a Smug Married, I’m a Smug Mother. Despite being single and despite the statistics, I was able to conceive in the quiet and comfort of my own house, free of charge. There were no doctors or shots co-pays. And I got Jelly. D. should have slapped me. I knew the mistake I’d made as soon as I saw her face. Despite her sympathetic laugh, I knew that look all too well. That look said, ‘Don’t you know I would love to have a baby throw up on me? Don’t you understand that I would cherish those missed hours of sleep, delight in those diaper changes? Don’t you see me, going through pain and hope and disappointment and anger and despair, and preparing to do it all over again, and again, to have that burden you bear?’

And there’s no guarantee it will work. She has no way of knowing if months or years of trying will give her the baby she so desperately wants. What if I had not been successful when I was? What if the house situation had fallen apart earlier and faster and I’d moved out and lost my chance? Yes, I’d have my savings account back, but so what? True, I would be caught up on the new movie releases, but who cares?

I need to be grateful every single day. When she’s sick, when I’m sick, when I’m broke, when I’m tired, when I have to leave her to go to Boston, when I’m missing out on ‘firsts’ because she’s with Nanny. Big deal. I HAVE her.