Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Types of People I Hate in Corporate Training Classes

1. Shorts Guy
The nerd who thinks he's cool because he's in shorts. In November. In Boston. This is the equivalent of wearing your coat unzipped during a blizzard in middle school. You know as soon as you see him that, when the trainer asks at 5:15 whether anyone has any more questions, you're going to hear from him. Everyone will want to beat him up in the school yard after class gets out at 7.

2. Smarty McPantsalot
Is his own favorite audience. Asks stupid questions because he has no friends and this is the only time someone actually listens to him. Does things like fight about commonly-used phrases or expressions. Known to look things up online to contradict the instructor and prove himself right about things totally unrelated to the training. Sits back in his chair with his arms behind his head and his feet up, in order to seem devil-may-care. Often confused with Mr. Much More Important Than You.

3. Defensive Lady
Easily identified by her outdated hairdo and wardrobe, and her large, cheap, tacky earrings. Tries to make eye contact with everyone when she talks but just ends up looking shifty. Mumbles under her breath when her opinions are shot down. Spins nervously in her chair when speaking. Interrupts people (instructor included) constantly. Rushes out of the room when class is over to avoid direct human contact. Commonly a representative from Support.

4. Mr. Much More Important Than You
Leaves his cell phone on (and has either some sort of hideously annoying customized ringtone, or an equally irritating generic ear-bleeding Nokia ring) and takes calls during class. Leaves for extended periods and times his returns so that they cause maximum interruption, yet always stays in the room 'working' during lunch and break times to the annoyance of the instructor. Spends the entire training session on email and IM. Sits in the back room and has constant sidebar conversations with everyone around him. Always the first to leave for the airport. Talks everyone into going someplace crappy for dinner and then doesn't show up.

5. The Slob
Shows up late no matter the start time. Instead of a notebook, paper and pen he has a loud, messy snack. Sometimes confused with Shorts Guy due to his slovenly attire, however, Shorts Guy wears a clean dress shirt and The Slob sports a stained faded golf shirt that occasionally rides up to show his pale extended beer gut. Brags about going to Dunkin Donuts during the lab exercise. Usually spills something, and always leaves a trail of Diet Dr. Pepper bottles and Tootsie Roll wrappers in his wake. Is a close talker and likes to tell vaguely offensive jokes. Always sits beside me.

6. Helpful Helen
Reminds the instructor of things like telling attendees to SHUT OFF THEIR DAMN PHONES ALREADY! During the stupid 'dare to share' intro always has a little joke prepared to put the group at ease and make the class seem like a fun place to be. Fixes wireless access for at least 2 classmates, or helps The Slob keep track of what page they're on or what planet. Organizes group dinner activities. Nods and smiles a lot at the instructor to make it seem as though she is paying attention, when in reality she is drafting her next blog post or looking at pictures of her baby and counting the hours til when she can hold her again.

1 comment:

marit said...

That's funny- these guys are all in conference sessions too.