Monday, April 4, 2011

SW Kangaroo Seeks Same

There I was, feeling all sorry for myself. Not only did I get sent a Grab Bag where all the gum was stale, the toys were broken, and the jokes were unfunny, but when I did try eating the candy I broke a tooth. Then a wonderful thing happened.

Please see #4 of this post. Go on. I’ll wait. I didn’t go to the spa, have a good meal, or get good news. But The Ta did get an email with HER matches. Oh boy. Boy oh boy oh boy. Yes, I got matched with Dude with Dog, and George Costanza. But I didn’t get this. What was he thinking? ‘If I post a pic of me with my hot sister, maybe the ladies will think that this is my last girlfriend/ex-wife/victim, and they will look past the unforgiveable moustache and they’ll go out with me’. His handle I assume is suppose to be ‘Where’s Cupid’ but he misspelled it, so it’s ‘We’re’s Cupid’, which doesn’t has the same cute charm but kind of makes sense when you then look at his profile pic. He wants you to know you must love dogs and being in or around water and he misses a woman’s soft wet passionate kissing, but I may have mixed that up; he may miss being in or around water and kissing soft passionate dogs.

Peekaboo! God is watching you!

Now, this dude actually messaged me several times yesterday. It made me mad enough to post to my Atheist Moms group, because my profile clearly states I am not religious. I know that several of you are, and I respect that, even if it may seem at times I do not. The majority of my extended family is Catholic, and while my immediately family are non-believers, I think it’s important, like everything else in life, be it sexual orientation or people who drink Diet Coke or whatever, to be open minded. Except for damn hippies, I mean, even wolves let their children eat meat, c’mon. (*I’m joking, JR and I eat several vegetarian meals, and as long as you eat healthy protein substitutes I support your choice, don’t freak out and get your crystal-sweaty-pits all worked up). It’s just that I’m pretty firm in my non-belief, and if someone is firm in their belief-belief, then we’re just not going to see eye-to-eye. So don’t message me. It’s like if you don’t like kids. I finally added a separate line, in case they skipped past the ‘Religion’ and ‘Children’ section, that says, ‘If you love Jesus and hate children, please don’t contact me’. I figured that was simple and polite, and would save some people some time. But still, people like our friend DJ KJ-Spin here (does working in a karaoke bar count as being a DJ?), they don’t get it. Or maybe they think they’re going to convert me. I do love ‘Spirit in the Sky’, so I dunno, maybe there is some wiggle room there.

But the very best part. The pants-wetting part. Was this.

This, my friends, is a rare treat. This is an unemployed (SHOCKER) 43-year old who lists ‘Graduated from Space Camp’ under Education and was apparently an Alter boy. I guess that’s what they use to call Emo kids back in the day? I didn’t even realize kangaroos were so homophobic. And yes, this is his only picture. I’d go into more details, but nothing else is going to surprise you.

And THAT’S when I discovered I was accidentally logged into The Ta's profile. Somehow clicking on the photo link she’d sent me had given me full unlimited access. I rubbed my hands together and made a ‘mwah ha ha!’ noise, because that meant I could check out all kinds of freaky dudes and they would think it was her doing it. Also, I learned that she had a message in her inbox from someone who looked exactly like Paul Reubens, which made me a little jealous until I read his extremely creepy profile. I was tempted to start Winking all over the place at random transvestites and guys who had hand puppets featured prominently in their profile pictures, but doing things like that almost always tends to backfire on me. Plus, chances were I would accidentally fall in love with one of the creepy guys, and that was NOT a story I wanted to tell a lap full of grandchildren who looked suspiciously like Pee Wee Herman.

So I spent a little time looking up the creepy dudes who messaged her, but they were similar to the creepy dudes who messaged me, just older and more Christian but looking for women even younger and more blonde, so it just depressed me even more, and she doesn’t have her Chat feature disabled, so I started to get a little concerned because dudes were pinging her and getting kind of irritated the ‘she’ wasn’t answering them, and I didn’t want stalkers showing up at her doorstep all angry for no good reason, so I figured I’d better log out.

But the drama continues, because the Nice Jewish Boy (NJB now for short) has messaged me back. It turns out he had his daughter last week so was busy (totally believable and understandable, so I’ll give him a pass on that one). He said there is no religion issue (we’ll see on that one). Will continue to keep you posted. Also got a message from ‘Damien Eternal’. Everyone, let’s all groan together. UGHHHHHH. And, DELETE.

Happy Monday! It’s a gorgeous, sunny warm Monday here. I want to slit my writs from the slutty allergies that are making me and JR want to die. It was otherwise a very pleasant weekend. Hope everyone has a lovely, kangaroo-free week.


Kristy said...

"Somehow clicking on the photo link she’d sent me had given me full unlimited access."

Dammit, I really need to launch a dating site that has less security flaws AND better weeds out weirdos.

A friend of mine on FB read your last post and told me she actually dated "face eating sunglasses" a few times. You were wise to avoid!

Stephanie said...


That's all I got. Just O_O

Jellybean Mama said...

That is awesome!! She needs to post a comment about her dating experience, love it.

DannieA said...

I am loving this!

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