Wednesday, May 6, 2009

And Now For Some Healthy Self-Pity

Every once in a while there has to be a serious post. Y’know, because it isn’t all puppies and rainbows and lollipops, no matter what the feminine hygiene commercials promise us.

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about what I really and truly miss about not having a partner, a husband, and a daddy for Jennifer. I think it’s probably because I’m pushing down all the feelings of panic and anxiety about the hearing on Friday. Yep, you heard right – here in the good ol’ state of NC, where there are no laws for silly little things like ‘planned donor conception’, I had to serve a summons to the nice man who gave me my baby. I have to take precious time off work to attend two custody hearings, and pay a lawyer thousands of dollars, and the aforementioned nice man will have ‘child abandonment’ on his record for the rest of his life. Awesome, huh?

I know that the hearing should go smoothly, but this is a pretty conservative state, and they don’t take kindly to child rearin’ without a daddy in these here parts. Especially when it’s done on purpose by some uppity spinster (ok, really, I have no idea how anyone feels, but in my head the judge is going to be 90 years old and shake his head and say, ‘Tsk, tsk’ or use the words 'out of wedlock' when he sees me). The worst that could happen is that the judge could totally not understand the situation and decide to appoint a guardian to serve Jellybean’s best interests, which would drag things out and result in more fees. But still, it’s a custody hearing, and I’m still WAY freaked out about it, and none of my friends are in town to go with me and hold my wittle girl hand. Blergh.

So, yeah, what I miss. I’m usually too tired to miss any of the physical stuff that comes with having a dude around (I'm even too tired to point out the dirty joke there), although I do miss the emotional support and the ‘hi, honey, how was your day’ type of thing. It would be nice if I could share responsibilities of managing the house with someone (like, ‘here’s a hammer, go do your manly duty’). I see dads with their kids, and I wonder how Jellybean will feel when she’s old enough to understand that it’s something she doesn’t have.

What I miss most this week is that there’s no one to turn to when Jelly does something super-cute, or especially rotten, to say, ‘Omg! Can you BELIEVE our kid?!’. As Jellybean becomes more and more hilariously interesting, there isn’t another person who will see how special she is the way that I do. There isn’t someone to share the ups and downs of the day-to-day milestones who is legally and emotionally obligated to care. And there’s this big, gaping hole when she does something that is totally unlike me or my family, and all I want to do is ask her other grandma, ‘Did her daddy do that or make that face or pinch his mother in that annoying way?’.

I know there are all kinds of bad dads out there who are useless, and I know that there are all kinds of moms out there who used anonymous donors, so don’t know half as much about them as I do. I just get sad once in a while when I let myself think that our family isn’t whole and it’s my fault.

Don't worry, then I get a grip and imagine what a pain in the ass any guy who would marry me would be, and I feel much better about it being just the two of us.


Jellybean Mama said...

Also - there are technically TWO dirty jokes in that paragraph. Because I'm secretly a 14-year old boy.

Chris said...

I will be at your hearing in spirit. Good luck! I do hope everything will go as you wish. Like I've said before, if the judge can see even 1% of what the readers of your blog do, he or she will know you are a wonderful mother and a great advocate for your daughter. You don't need anyone's acceptance or approval no matter what their "values" are because as far as I am concerned you are doing this society and country a great service: you, a smart and educated person, are raising a child. There are plenty of _couples_ out there who despite the biblical blessing our _laws_ bestow upon them - and all associated support and services that you have to go fight for in a court - are not equipped to raise a child.

Wow .. I am actually submitting a comment! I have started commenting about a half dozen times to the previous 2 posts and always get pulled in 15 directions by the 2nd word. So I'm gonna go back and post my comments damn it!

Joni said...

Wow! Any hearing is incredibly stressful (and I'm a lawyer!), but I'm sure it will go well, and then it will be done, done, done. And you can put it all behind you.

I think your family IS whole. With the 2 of you. Sounds perfect.

Good luck at your hearing.

Naomi said...

The thought of someone calling you an "uppity spinster" just cracked me up! I don't really get why you have to go to court, but I'm sure it'll all be fine.

I think for me, I don't miss having a man around because I've really taken the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" to an extreme. Everyone in our life, our surrogate adopted family, talks about her as if she's not mine, but ours.

Plus, it helps that whenever I think of any of my ex's being around, I think I'd spend more time wanting to smack them upside the head than enjoying then being here 24/7.

I do miss having a sex next time fill us in on the dirty jokes...I'll take whatever I can get : )

good luck xo

Chris said...

I'm with you Naomi on the fact that it's better to be alone than with someone who is not 100% right for you. Might sound like some cliche but damn, is it true!

And yeah, what about those jokes?

Rector Funhouse said...

I can't pretend to know what it's like but I hope/think you know that 1) you have an awesomely supportive group of friends, 2) your family is dying to spend more time with you (move here!) and ask you how your day was, 3) the partner thing does come with a whole other ball of stress/worry/frustration. I totally understand what you're saying though.

Just don't ever let me hear you say that it's your "fault" again though. Jelly is luckier than 85% of the kids out there (her dad's not in jail!) and I'll kick her ass if I ever hear her say any differently.