The One in Which Jellybean Mama Admits She is a Wreck

Rough night. I coaxed Jenny into going down at 9p and was asleep by 10, but she had a really restless sleep (maybe because of the vaccinations?) so woke up every couple hours. After the 2a feeding I couldn’t get back to sleep and lay there worrying about work. I fell asleep again 15 minutes before she woke up next, at 5:30, but she wouldn’t really eat much, so she then woke up pretty much every ½ hour, unsettled but still refusing to eat. The nanny got here and asked if I’d mind if she took the kids to her place for the day, since her son is still having a difficult time adjusting, and I’m in such a fog I agreed. Now all I’m doing is worrying that Jenny has been kidnapped this time for sure, or that she’ll have some reaction to the shots today and I won’t be there, or that I forgot something critical in the hastily thrown-together diaper bag, etc. etc. And, uh, I miss my baby. So basically I’m so low on sleep and guilt-stricken that I’ve pretty much just cried since they left. What kind of productive work day am I going to have?

At some point the phases have got to start getting easier, right? The first few weeks were tough, but my mom was here. Then the next few weeks were even tougher without her. And then we got use to that, but the cumulative sleep loss caught up with me and things seemed even harder. Now I’m back to work and this feels like the hardest part yet. I have to go up to Boston for work the week of the 18th (travel PLUS no baby for five days PLUS corporate office meetings and having to do my hair and look pretty), which is going to suck. And I should be looking forward to the Cincinnati trip over Labor Day weekend but all I do is worry about each and every little stage of the trip. When does the easier thing happen?

I know it’s the lack of sleep talking. I KNOW it just feels harder than it is because of that. I cannot understand how single moms who work outside of the home do it – they must spend like 5 seconds in the evening with their kid, because I’m only spending a couple hours with her after you take out the hastily thrown together dinner I prepare and bolt down, and I don’t have to commute. I just don’t know how to make it better, and that’s frustrating for a problem solver.

Working it Out

So here I am, back at work. The time that I have dreaded since, well, pretty much since I even got the idea in my head to do this crazy thing. And despite some sleepless nights lost to needless worrying, everything seems to be just fine. The nanny's little boy is having some trouble adjusting and BOY, is he a screamer, so hopefully he'll calm down once he gets use to the new schedule and being at my place. And, uh, hopefully it won't rub off on my calm placid little Bean who is still good-natured and sunny and non-crying.

Work this week should be blessedly quiet as I slowly ease back into things, starting with the just-under-a-thousand emails in my inbox. Blech. And then I have to plan my first Trip to Boston Away From Baby, which is the next keep-me-up-at-night item.

My last free weekend was good- Tata kept the Beaner for me Friday night so I could hang out with some friends who were in town, and it was bizarre to be out at a bar for the first time in basically over a year. But I made sure to be home at 11 pm, since I didn't want to miss out on that gift of sleep! Yesterday we parked on the couch and just relaxed, which was nice, since I could be close to the Kleenex box as I was bawling every five seconds thinking about this week. I just keep telling myself, I'm very lucky. And I hope it lasts. Fingers crossed, everyone!

The 2-month old

Random Mumblings

I realized I never posted about my Best Day Ever a few weeks ago. And now too much time has passed for it to be fresh and exciting, since ages of non-sleep have occurred in the meantime. Suffice it to say, I had a chair massage, an Orange Julius, and a complement from a stranger on the skirt I was wearing in my first fully non-maternity outfit since The Bean arrived. So it was totally like my birfday or something. It was awesome.

It is now less than one week until I return to work. I had a nightmare that I logged into my Outlook email account and had 311,000 Unread emails. After 10 weeks, that might not be too far off. The good news is I finally got everything sorted out with the nanny payroll company and my awesome nanny is coming Thursday and Friday to get the schedule figured out. I'm kinda excited - I get to go out and DO stuff, without a baby! Maybe I'll get an Icee. I can't wait.

This week is pretty quiet. I finally got my grass cut, although I have a little guilt because it's almost an acre yard and I talked them down to $30 with the 'I'm a single mom' line. But you know, it's true, and I totally can't do it myself. Uh, plus it's a bazillion degrees out and I'd die. And then where would Jellybean be? Speaking of which, I called and left ANOTHER message with the lawyer so I can set up a living trust like a responsible adult. Dude won't call me back. Sheesh, lawyers.

CPE lent me her PS2 while Jim and Jeff were here so we could play some DDR, and I keep trying to sneak in time to finish Psychonauts. It ain't happening. Although I have become very adept at working a controller while holding a squirmy child, if it's after 8 pm I know I should be sleeping so just can't find the time to play. Ah, my old life, when I had all the time in the world and was actually 'bored' often, and had money to spend on frivolous luxuries like fancy shampoo and the good orange juice. I actually stood on the scale with the baby this morning because I'm getting ready to have to buy diapers again and I don't want to get stuck with a whole bunch in a size that don't fit. Needy child.

This weekend Beaner will be having her first sleepover at Tata's house. I'm going to go out with the hackers since my friend CB, who moved to Atlanta last year, is in town. I might even have an alcoholic beverage. I can't wait.

Two Once More

The guests have departed, and though it was a short visit, it was just long enough. Although I love my Cousin Jim dearly, I forget sometimes that he's a boy. And he's known his friend Jeff for almost 20 years, so whenever they're together they sit and mumble private jokes to each other, which can get a little old. I was done with them both on the second day when they left me with a fussy baby, washing bottles tired and headachy, and went upstairs to take naps. Maybe Jim has had too much of watching his nieces and nephews - he just wasn't that into The Bean. So I had house guests and a fussy two-month old with an out-of-whack schedule and about 3-5 hours of sleep (non-consecutive) a night. Thank God the Tata is coming tonight (and offered to come tomorrow if need be, bless her precious punkin heart).
We had a fun time Wednesday night- went to CPE's and played Rockband, which was probably the last thing Ta wanted to do on her birfday, but was a good group activity and CPE was freaking hilarious. We went to a couple movies and had some good meals. The guys read a lot - Jim is re-reading the Harry Potter series for like the millionth time, which made me crazy - they drive all this way just to sit and read stuff they've read before?! Oh well. I can't expect everyone to be as excited about a two-month old as I am.
Ms. Losing Her Hair is doing fine. Definitely more awake during the daytime, which would be good if it meant better sleeping at night, but doesn't seem to have affected it. My honeymoon of taking her with me to movies is definitely over. She continues to have some congestion and gas problems, but not much to be done there. Otherwise she is mostly a happy baby and is starting to take more interest in the world around her. I got her a couple new toys for her car seat bar and glider, and she's pretty excited by them.
I booked my flight for Cincinnati at the end of August so have a month to freak out.

I go back to work in one week.

The Illustrator Man

I got a call about an hour ago from Cousin Jim - don't worry, he hasn't cancelled his trip, but he's now going to bring his friend Jeff along. I guess because Jeff is freelance he doesn't have to worry about office hours or anything, and he'll be able to keep Jim company on the drive and they LOVE to roadtrip together. They've been friends for like a billion years. It should be interesting - I really adore Jeff so actually don't mind a bit, once I got over the initial disappointment of not having my beloved cuz to myself. Secretly, I'm a little bit excited, because I had written a story for Jenny while I was pregnant, the night I came up with her name, and I consequently came up with the never-going-to-happen-in-a-million-years idea for Jeff to illustrate it. You see, he's like a professional illustrator (check out some of his stuff on Amazon, or go to his website. He's ridiculously talented. There's no chance in hell he'll do it for the pittance I'd be able to afford, unless I can somehow subtly remind him of how he use to totally be in love with me and should do it just for old time's sake. It's really a cute story and would make an awesome book, not that I care about selling it or anything (although that would be cool). I just really want it for Miss Fussy McPantsalot, She Who Is Not Sleeping Tonight and Hence the Blog Post.
Wish me luck with the begging. It should be a SUPER fun week. Tata's birthday is this Wednesday; Happy Birfday, Tata!

Fridays are for Cleaning Your Shower

It's a rocking Friday night, and what am I doing? (after I feed the interwebs, obviously). I'm going to clean my shower. Yes sirree, that's how lame I am. My friend CPE is watching The Bean tonight on her first away-from-home sleepover without her doting yet exhausted mother, and I am going to use this opportunity to scrape away some of the orange-y/pinkish scum that has accumulated magically in the brief seconds I've been able to tend to my own personal hygiene. The problem is, a.) I usually have a baby to take care of and can't clean, b.) I don't want to use chemicals around her if she's in the bathroom with me and c.) Uh, hello, I don't like to clean. I am really hoping I can trick the nanny into scrubbing toilets. Maybe I'll 'accidentally' drop her keys or her lunch in there or something.

So, yes, my Top 5 List of Things I'd Do If I Were Baby-Free Tonight, Which I Am:

5. Watch a show from beginning to end. I don't care if it's Judge Judy.
4. Eat a meal that is warmer than room-temperature and not pre-cut into bite-size pieces.
3. Pay some bills that I have been putting off. Not very exciting, I know, but, well, better than debtors prison.
2. Blog. I like to shout out to my homies. It's cathartic.
and the number one thing I'm going to go do in like five seconds...

Take a damn bath. With candles and smelly stuff, and pumice my feet and shave my legs in peace, and listen to music that doesn't include the words 'bunnies', 'duckies', 'nighty-night', or rhymes a word with a number, color, or month of the year. And then I'm going to sleep without waking up worrying someone isn't breathing, or breathing too fast, or breathing too shallow, or breathing through their mouth too much, or breathing on me (which is just creepy sometimes).

I'd also like to do my nails, but when you factor in drying time I don't think it's going to make the cut this evening. I'd also like to make a fun snack but since I already had my hot meal I'm stuffed, and I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight and want to keep going, so I've got to behave sensibly.

But anyhow, #5 and #1 (and the stupid shower) await. Maybe the shower can wait til morning. Maybe the show watching can wait also. Ah, screw it, I'm going to bed, who am I kidding.

Cousin Uncle Brother Jim

My favorite cousin, Jim, will be coming for a visit next week. Hurrah! I don't like the idea of Jenny calling him 'second-cousin Jim', so he'll be Uncle Jim to her. Oh, wait, my brother is named Jim so she already has an Uncle Jim. Hmm. I guess he will be Cousin Jim. He's in priest school, so he will also be a Brother one day in the far, far future, hence the post title.

I can't wait to see him. He's a total movie-aholic like me, so I'm hoping we can hit a movie or two, or at least get in some good pay-per-view. The Beaner has been fussy at odd hours lately (like yesterday when I went Kroger-ing, normally one of my favorite activities, shattered by a wailing overtired kid that belonged to me), so I don't trust how she'd do in a theater anymore. And I don't want to be That Person.

Her sleep schedule the past couple nights has been hilarous - 5 hours (7p-12a), 4 hours (12:30-4:30), 3 hours (5-8), then pretty much awake. I've had insomnia (PPD, or back-to-work/nanny stress? You be the judge.) so I haven't been able to appreciate it. But my friend CPE is taking her tomorrow night AND Saturday night (huzzah!), so I'll be able to get some awesome delicious sleep then. I have great friends. Speaking of which, my new mommy buddy CZ stopped by for a visit with her totally adorable little boy. It's nice to have someone who is only like 2 miles away who can sympathize with my special degree of crazy.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend if I don't get a chance to post for a bit.

P.S. OMG, am I the only one who didn't realize that The Doctor played Barty Crouch Jr. in Goblet of Fire? ACK!!! I just IMDB'd him and he's only 2 MONTHS older than me. How did I get so old?!

Look at Me, Ma, I'm Posting!

Happy Fourth of July!

I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning since Jellybean's Tata spent the night last night and took the Beaner for me. I got a good solid 9 hours sleep and feel like I could, well, still take a nap - but it felt GREAT to get that sleep. Jelly may finally be switching over to a more reasonable nighttime schedule - she went from 8-12:30, and then from 1-5. And then slept til 9:30! Huzzah! It's either one of two factors; I've been keeping her awake more during the day, and she slept in the crib last night so wasn't disturbed by me tossing and turning. But, so great, we just put the Snuggle Nest in the crib so she was all cozy and she didn't once fuss to have the pacifier shoved back in her mouth.

Today I'm taking it easy, drinking coffee and watching old Law and Order episodes in my jammies. Tonight Jellybean will be attending her first hacker meeting - nothing like some positive male role models for the Bean (but seriously, they are a great bunch of geeks and don't do anything harmful, and will be awesome resources). Tomorrow I may go and look for a new couch - I really, really miss the sectional, and this couch is so damn uncomfortable.

Have a nice long weekend, everyone!

If It's the Fourth of July Weekend, I Must be Watching ID4

WELCOME TO JELLYBEAN MAMA

Welcome to the all-new and exciting, no-batteries-required, available-in-44-flavors, blog!

Why 'Jellybean Mama', you ask?

Because after http://www.diypregnancy.blogspot.com/ was a raging success, I gave birth to a bouncing baby girl who was promptly nicknamed 'Jellybean'; partially because it fit well with her given name, a little bit because her G-Pop likes food nicknames for children for whatever reason, and largely because she is, well, a luscious little jellybean. Strawberry, I think.

I hope to dazzle and entertain you with the new blog in the same manner I did with the old, unless the old blog just bored you and drove you to watch 'Maury' rather than deal with the banalities of my existence. THIS blog will be better, I promise. It will be more about the Beaner and less about me. Maybe. But she's just sleeping right now (see uneventful yet super-cute picture below), and I on the other hand am taking part in the yearly tradition that is watching Independence Day, one of the worst movies ever. I mean, really, The Fresh Prince punches an alien, that's just silly. Any why am I watching it on the 3rd? Because that's when the movie starts, duh. And in case you forgot, I'm still super-compulsive.