The One in Which Jellybean Mama Admits She is a Wreck

Rough night. I coaxed Jenny into going down at 9p and was asleep by 10, but she had a really restless sleep (maybe because of the vaccinations?) so woke up every couple hours. After the 2a feeding I couldn’t get back to sleep and lay there worrying about work. I fell asleep again 15 minutes before she woke up next, at 5:30, but she wouldn’t really eat much, so she then woke up pretty much every ½ hour, unsettled but still refusing to eat. The nanny got here and asked if I’d mind if she took the kids to her place for the day, since her son is still having a difficult time adjusting, and I’m in such a fog I agreed. Now all I’m doing is worrying that Jenny has been kidnapped this time for sure, or that she’ll have some reaction to the shots today and I won’t be there, or that I forgot something critical in the hastily thrown-together diaper bag, etc. etc. And, uh, I miss my baby. So basically I’m so low on sleep and guilt-stricken that I’ve pretty much just cried since they left. What kind of productive work day am I going to have?

At some point the phases have got to start getting easier, right? The first few weeks were tough, but my mom was here. Then the next few weeks were even tougher without her. And then we got use to that, but the cumulative sleep loss caught up with me and things seemed even harder. Now I’m back to work and this feels like the hardest part yet. I have to go up to Boston for work the week of the 18th (travel PLUS no baby for five days PLUS corporate office meetings and having to do my hair and look pretty), which is going to suck. And I should be looking forward to the Cincinnati trip over Labor Day weekend but all I do is worry about each and every little stage of the trip. When does the easier thing happen?

I know it’s the lack of sleep talking. I KNOW it just feels harder than it is because of that. I cannot understand how single moms who work outside of the home do it – they must spend like 5 seconds in the evening with their kid, because I’m only spending a couple hours with her after you take out the hastily thrown together dinner I prepare and bolt down, and I don’t have to commute. I just don’t know how to make it better, and that’s frustrating for a problem solver.